I’m trying to not let the bitterness steep in my soul. I don’t know who triggered the autopilot. It’s been running since you’ve been gone. Somehow the boys are safe, happy, healthy, and strong, as you always wanted. You wouldn’t believe the number of lives you touched. I cry, thinking about how deep our love runs through us and how that must resonate in the depths of others.
I can vividly remember every detail of the hospital during those ten days. I can hear the machines in my nightmares. I dread falling asleep, sweetheart, the old nightmares… they’re gone, but I relive this new one every time I close my eyes. I can see your exhaustion. I remember your questions. My voice shakes when I call for you in my fear. You’re not here to hold me, to run your hands through my hair. I’ve struggled with sleep and nightmares all my life, and now I’d give anything to avoid it. The dream we shared, the life we shared – the life I’m left to live on my own – feels like living in a dream world. I can’t shake myself from this new reality. Everything around me feels distorted, wrong, and fake, somehow. It’s like none of the material objects around me matter. The roads are still full, the residents are still going to work, the snow still falls, and I’m left sitting here, a pause amongst the speeding lives around me.
How can I find my place in a world you’re not in? How can I guide these beautiful boys to know their mother? How can I banish this numbness that permeates every fiber of my being? Why does everything feel hazy? Why can I remember every emotion and feeling from our first dates but can’t close my eyes and see your face? I remember how often I stared when you weren’t looking, actively trying to memorize every curve of your smile. I have lost myself in the honey of your eyes more than the sands of time should have allowed, but I can’t replicate the warmth. I’d give anything to switch places with you. You would know what to do. You could do this. Why am I so numb?
I swear I’ve never felt so lonely in all my life. I’ve laid next to Lincoln on the floor by his crib to avoid feeling alone. I needed his company. His pure and radiant soul emanates the same love of life you gave him. Even in his sleep, I can feel his love and know he needs me.
He’s struggling. We all are.
It makes me wonder how these boys will never tangibly know their mother’s love. Lincoln was barely 16 months old at your passing… He will eventually forget all the memories of infancy; he won’t remember you the way I will. I can’t bear to imagine how he would light up if you walked through our door again. I hope you visit him in his dreams. I hope you fight tooth and nail to be a part of our lives. These boys need to know the goodness in your heart, the ultimate love you had for them. They need to know you live on in my memory, strong, radiant, and beautiful as ever. Every day of my life will feel like a countdown until I see you again. Until I can come home. If a home is where the heart is, then mine is with you, as it has always been, and I’m homesick.
